Over the past 2 months I have been hiding away under the blankets of defeat.
I can not lie, I am struggling to adjust to the new days of spending most of my energy just taking care of myself, feeling guilty about needing to rely on others. With the rain whispering outside my window, today I am huddled beneath a warm throw wearing my designated ‘sick day’ Totoro onesie I practically lived in over my surgeries a few months ago. It has been an easeful morning for reflection and self critique. Those two aren’t necessarily the best of friends. This morning I’ve emerged out of bed twice, only to make a cup of tea and go to the bathroom. Yet, my hands tremble as if I had spent the past few hours powerlifting more than my body weight. To ice the cake of my feelings of worthlessness of late, I needed help to get changed today.
Some days are just like this, and on those days my minds wonders through the extensive maze of self-doubt and pity that only surface when I am feeling most vulnerable. It may only be a passing emotion that occurs when I am especially knocked down, but it does not make the confusion and pain any less real. I miss my best friends in Brisbane terribly and I feel awful for not being able to call them everyday. I have few friends in Sydney, and find myself unable to fit in with most of the acquaintances I have. While I am close to family who love me dearly, being able to see them has been almost no easier than when I lived a 10+ hour drive away. I sleep on average 12 hours a day and struggle to keep my eyes open long enough to finish an episode of a TV show in the evening. It can be very lonely, and my thoughts are not always the best company to keep.
Today is a dark day, but it’s important to remember that that’s okay. It’s important to talk about when days are bad and the light seems to dim. It’s okay to reach out for help and ask for a hand to hold sometimes. I am not going to hibernate for the rest of this winter. I have been hiding too long, long enough to make me doubt myself more than I ever want to again.
I have spent weeks of planning, organising and researching ideas. Yet, not once have I written a blog or diary or post about these endeavours. I have had terrible appointments that shook up my self confidence and have been lower the past few weeks than I care to admit. Today is the time to change.
The most recent Doctor I visited suggested I double my medication and write a list of 5 things a day that make me happy and make sure I do them. While I scoffed at his advice (for other reasons in which he insulted my intelligence and disregarded my concerns), today I will blissfully attempt it:
1. Write. Nothing gives me more joy than expression through words, perhaps I will try a poem or two to ease my anxieties.
2. Read. I have just begun ‘The Clan of the Cave Bear’ as recommended to me by my lovely MIL. Like nothing I have read before, I want to become immersed in story to forget about the day.
3. Exercise. While I am sick, a few small low energy indoor activities will make me feel more alive. The endorphins exercise gives relaxes my mind.
4. Watch a sad movie. It may sound strange, but I do not cry often unless completely overwhelmed. A sad movie helps me release emotions I keep tightly held and sometimes a good cry is just what you need.
5. Have a bath. The hot water helps my muscle spasms and I forget for a moment that I am in pain. Everyone needs to relax sometimes.
While today may be a dark day, I am moving forward with my life. Every little step is a step closer after all. It is better to move slowly with someone to lean on, than become stuck and alone, unable to move at all.
“My advice is to never do tomorrow what you can do today. Procrastination is the thief of time.” – Charles Dickens.
Featured Image Photo Credit: Merrylog Blog at http://www.merrylog.com/2012/01/hoodie-pug-in-blanket/