Musings on an ex-“best friend”

It’s been eighteen months since I first expressed concern over our relationship, a year since the biggest red flags were being raised, six months since I knew it was ending and four months since I knew it would never recover.

It’s said that writing soothes the soul, and the past few weeks, mine has had moments where it aches.

For many a time, you called me your ‘best friend’. I was foolish enough to believe you, I listened to you, I understood you and when you weren’t yourself I let you know I was in your corner.

For whatever reason, that was never reciprocated.

It was never that I wanted much, in fact most of the time I wanted nothing more than small pockets of honesty. When other people had lied and manipulated around me, you saw as I made the decision to cut them out. When it was clear to me that others were manipulating you too, I felt pangs of anger and frustration. “How dare they do that to my friend,” I thought. For months, I hoped and hoped you would not become one of them, who could not see the reality, and instead focused on status and gossip rather than honesty.

But alas, you were.

When I called out for your friendship, you ignored me.

When I wanted to celebrate with someone, you just became more distant.

When I let you know how I was feeling, you promised things would be different, but they never were.

Friendships end, and life goes on, but it is so rare to fight tooth and nail for someone, to only have them literally and figuratively ignore every conversation, every message and every plea.

One year ago, I was writing a speech reflecting all the wonderful things about your friendship. It wasn’t hard to write. Today, I am writing the sadness that fills me knowing you did not care, you never truly did, as even when I called out for your friendship, you cast it aside. This isn’t hard to type.

Such a fool I feel, to have wasted time and energy on a relationship that only blew up in my face. I should have known that when someone is constantly in competition with others, judging and gossiping, drinking and crying, laughing and lying, that someone does not care about you.

For quite some time, I was unwell, and when it benefitted you, you were exciting and fun to be around. When I slowly started getting better and happier, and as I uncovered the poisonous lies that someone else had spread amongst others and began repairing fractured relationships, you slowly pulled away – Even when I was holding your hand, desperately trying to keep you in.

There is nothing wrong with no longer being friends – in fact, you might remember it was something that was mentioned many times – the changing nature of the relationship. But what happened was not a friendship that drifted, it was a decision to no longer have me in your corner, as you silently watched as it imploded. That was your decision, your call. I just decided not to be blinded by it anymore.

I am sad that in a month I won’t get to celebrate with you, I am sad that I missed the milestone birthday this year. Despite whatever narrative you may have created in your mind, I am sad.

I write this open letter for selfish reasons, as I sit quietly and reflect. Today I have some of the greatest friends; I’m surrounded by love and excitement. There is empathy and understanding all around me, but there are still days when I can’t help but worry that everything will end in a similar fashion, because I fought hard to keep our friendship and was met with complete indifference. It hurt, and hurts, more than I care to admit.

But.

This too shall pass.

Every moment is a learning experience, and I have learned from this that if people leave you questioning about where you stand, or leave you feeling anxious without explanation, then that is not a relationship worth investing time and energy into.

Friendship is give and take. If you give and give and give you will be left empty and without. The end of a friendship, just like a relationship, leaves you with a broken heart, with wounds that will take time to heal. But time heals all wounds, even if you’re left with the scar; it becomes a reminder of what you can overcome.

With that said, cheers to the friendships that will last, the true loves of my life and the reasons that each day I am grateful to live my life.

 

NB: This has been written from personal experiences with the intention to help resolve feelings of anxiety and sadness.

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